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i think my first 'weird girl' memories emerge from about third grade. surrounded by desks in a horseshoe shape with me in the middle, i look to my right and see my then bestfriend [BLANK], not really paying attention to the board, like me. my thoughts as i looked at her and my peers around me read something along the lines of 'she's so pretty. i feel like everyone in the world is prettier than me. no matter how they look.'
i don't really remember where that mentality came from. maybe when i'd sit down at the school bench to put my Hausfinken on inbetween classes, and this older brown-haired boy sat next to me and called me fat. or how his blonde brother would call me ugly and try rip my pokemon cards out of my hands. or how his entire friendgroup would tease and annoy me constantly. another boy from that same class once shoved balls of paper into my mouth and shoved me into a closet when i pissed him off. i'd look at their ringleader [BLANK] sobbing after scraping his elbow open, running the wound under cold water, and wondered how a boy so mean could cry. and i'd make complaint after complaint to my parents, only for the school board to conclude that i wasn't actually being bullied, i was just being teased, and boys are mean like that, so i should just deal with it and get on with my life. a decade later, they still possess that same dislike they had for me back in 4th grade. i had never, ever wronged them, and their hate only came from prejudice.
what hurt me the most is when my bestfriend abandoned me. maybe an hour before lunchtime, i'm pulled into the counselors office where [BLANK] is sitting, along with all the older and more popular girls. straight to my face, she tells me - 'i don't want to be friends with you anymore. i want to be friends with the girls from the 4th grade.'
that hurt the most cause she never actually gave me a reason why. i texted her about it two or three years ago, and she asked me why im still so hung up on something almost a decade old. looking back on my child, tween and teenager years i have felt very, very isolated for the better part of my lifetime. i feel like i’ve been tossed aside forever. that experience really defines the beginning of my seclusion.
growing up as 'the weird girl' means roleplaying warrior cats in the playground, it means being outcast, it means getting home straight from school and talking to people on discord years older than you, it means edgy, "dark" humour, it means t-posing, it means licking the wet concrete floor, it means watching animation meme after animation meme, it means being not-girly, it means being unconventional, it means being cringe, it means being different, it means being lonely.
What links characters in literature to people in life, as we fabricate them in consciousness, is the integral nite of our conception of people and of how they operate… [T]here is a profound congruity between the ways in which we apprehend characters in literature, documented figures in history, and people of whom we have what we think of as direct knowledge in life. In my view, even the clues that we take in and use to construct an image of a person are virtually identical in literature and in life" (Hochman, 1985)Hochman asserts that fictional characters reflect on those around us. maybe you'll even find a character mirroring yourself. in a world where you feel isolated and distant from everyone, perhaps a fictional world is where you may find solace.
i feel alone. i feel so alone. i feel like this burden will follow me forever. as if i was engineered by god, if there even is one, to be outcast like these, and that code has been programmed into the system around me. i really wish i knew why i was like this. naturally growing up in xyz environment around xyz people has an effect on how your personality develops, and yet i've always felt so desolate.
hyeju is cast out by her group yyxy. they escape eden without her, and she expresses her emotions of hatred and loneliness in the lyrics of 'egoist'. it's theorized hyeju represents a fallen angel or lucifer. she chooses to love herself and forget about the others. i really do see myself in hyeju, even if i'm not able to love myself yet.